i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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