I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize