i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
