Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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