Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
