Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
