remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
