I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
