i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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