I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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