Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
