Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
