i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
