Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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