I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
