where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
