You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
