Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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