I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Randomize
