i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
