I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
