My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Randomize
