If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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