Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
