Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I just threw up on my dentist
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
How external is "for external use only"?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
