I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I just gargled with NyQuil
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