At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Randomize
