Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I'm too high and old for this...
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
