the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
