So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
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