tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
