ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
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