I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
