sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
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