If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
