the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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