Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
have fun at tinkers! p.s. are there any hot guys who look like they wanna wait until marriage to have sex?
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
