i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
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