That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
i was born a porn star she said
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Success! We fucked roommates!
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
