remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
