I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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