I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize