she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
A bitchslap is in order.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
