In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
We left an ass print on the piano.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
