haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
