Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Randomize
