I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
