Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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