I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
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