I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
