Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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