apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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