is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
