while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
