I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
