Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
