I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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