so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
