went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
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