This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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