I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
