just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
