dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
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