so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
