Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
