everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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