This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
